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Nothing. Nothing at all. They’re scorpions. You don’t have to eat them. Don’t. Just don’t. I mean look at them . . . does that look appetizing to you? No, of course not. There are some things in the world that you do not have to eat, like cat box crunchies [cat poop covered with kitty litter – a delicacy for some dogs – (this is why we don’t French-kiss Borzoi)], fried duck embryos, pickled dung beetle, boiled rat balls, or, you know, scorpions.

You know the story about the scorpion and the frog, right? Didn’t go very well for the frog, did it? Now you want to eat one? There are other ways to prove your manliness or womanliness, whatever the case may be. Besides, how much nutritional value can there possibly be in a scorpion? The things are poisonous for crying out loud. And that hard candy shell is not candy. Just how much protein do think you’re going to get that you can’t get from eggs, which are already gross enough. And you still have to bite through scorpion shell to get it. Eww. Seriously, eww.

Think of all the foods on the planet. Where do you think scorpion shows up on the yummy scale? Who says, “Mmm, I gots to get me some scorpion . . . I loves me some scorpion!” Or, “Okay, ‘gonna watch the big game on TV with my mates. I can order pizza, or, we could have, oh, I don’t know . . . got it! Scorpion! Okay, pizza or scorpion. Hmm, tough call . . .”

Show us a LOLCat that says, “I can has scorpion.” You can’t. There aren’t any, and don’t make one up just to prove us wrong (we’re on to you, little mister). Cats, LOL or otherwise, don’t want to has scorpion. Nobody wants to has scorpion. Can’t even look at them without freaking out, can you? Go on, look again. We’ll wait . . . . Eww, right?

 

Even Scorpius Won't Eat Scorpion . . .

 

So no, we do not, nor shall we ever stock or recommend any condiments for scorpions. Eat a five-year old radioactive Twinkie, better . . . or the popcorn that fell behind the sofa cushion the last time you had movie night (you know you’ve done it). Even the stale, holiday fruitcake you got from your Meemaw last year is way better than scorpion. Trust us; it’s okay to sleep on the scorpions (not literally of course, remember the poisonous bit).

And for the one “gourmand” (which is French for, “dude living in his mom’s basement”) who has the unmitigated snark to write in to tell us that scorpions are a marvelous Chinese delicacy for those of refined tastes, we have this to say: You eat scorpions for Christ’s sake. Nobody cares what you think. N-O-B-O-D-Y. Seek professional help. And they call us con-dimented . . . sheesh.

There, condiments for scorpions, settled.

 

Written by Burnesto BoShay

Burnesto Boshay is the brother of Zeno, founder of Condimented.com. He divides his time equally between putting condiments on things and eating things with condiments put on them.