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What Goes Good On Scorpion?

Nothing. Nothing at all. They’re scorpions. You don’t have to eat them. Don’t. Just don’t. I mean look at them . . . does that look appetizing to you? No, of course not. There are some things in the world that you do not have to eat, like cat box crunchies [cat poop covered with kitty litter – a delicacy for some dogs – (this is why we don’t French-kiss Borzoi)], fried duck embryos, pickled dung beetle, boiled rat balls, or, you know, scorpions.

You know the story about the scorpion and the frog, right? Didn’t go very well for the frog, did it? Now you want to eat one? There are other ways to prove your manliness or womanliness, whatever the case may be. Besides, how much nutritional value can there possibly be in a scorpion? The things are poisonous for crying out loud. And that hard candy shell is not candy. Just how much protein do think you’re going to get that you can’t get from eggs, which are already gross enough. And you still have to bite through scorpion shell to get it. Eww. Seriously, eww.

Think of all the foods on the planet. Where do you think scorpion shows up on the yummy scale? Who says, “Mmm, I gots to get me some scorpion . . . I loves me some scorpion!” Or, “Okay, ‘gonna watch the big game on TV with my mates. I can order pizza, or, we could have, oh, I don’t know . . . got it! Scorpion! Okay, pizza or scorpion. Hmm, tough call . . .”

Show us a LOLCat that says, “I can has scorpion.” You can’t. There aren’t any, and don’t make one up just to prove us wrong (we’re on to you, little mister). Cats, LOL or otherwise, don’t want to has scorpion. Nobody wants to has scorpion. Can’t even look at them without freaking out, can you? Go on, look again. We’ll wait . . . . Eww, right?

 

Even Scorpius Won't Eat Scorpion . . .

 

So no, we do not, nor shall we ever stock or recommend any condiments for scorpions. Eat a five-year old radioactive Twinkie, better . . . or the popcorn that fell behind the sofa cushion the last time you had movie night (you know you’ve done it). Even the stale, holiday fruitcake you got from your Meemaw last year is way better than scorpion. Trust us; it’s okay to sleep on the scorpions (not literally of course, remember the poisonous bit).

And for the one “gourmand” (which is French for, “dude living in his mom’s basement”) who has the unmitigated snark to write in to tell us that scorpions are a marvelous Chinese delicacy for those of refined tastes, we have this to say: You eat scorpions for Christ’s sake. Nobody cares what you think. N-O-B-O-D-Y. Seek professional help. And they call us con-dimented . . . sheesh.

There, condiments for scorpions, settled.

 

Written by Burnesto BoShay

Burnesto Boshay is the brother of Zeno, founder of Condimented.com. He divides his time equally between putting condiments on things and eating things with condiments put on them.

VIVA TAPATÍO!

The best-tasting hot sauce out there at a remarkably low price

True story – two cannibals, Gerry and Mitch, were sitting on a log eating a plate of stew. Gerry looks to the horizon and says, “I can’t stand my mother-in-law.”  Mitch, with an understanding smile replies, “Perhaps you should just pick through and eat the noodles…or, give it a few good squirts of Tapatío?”   B’dum-tsss.

Our ongoing mission at Condimented.com is to explore strange new flavors, to seek out new tastes and new condiments, to boldly go where no palate has gone before . . . but mostly, we want to turn you on to what in our experience is the best in its category. For those who love hot and spicy foods, Condimented wants to save you time, taste buds, and money with the salsa that wins best-in-show hands down among its fans and first-timers—Tapatio hot sauce. There aren’t many win-wins in this world, and Tapatio is definitely one of them.

 

What is Tapatío Salsa?

If you’re not familiar with Tapatío (pronounced, tah-pah-tee-o), it’s a hot sauce created in 1971, by Jose-Luis Saavedra, Sr. and was only available in 5oz. bottles. The name “Tapatío” means a person originating from Guadalajara, Mexico, which, if you believe in coincidence or synchronicity, is where Mr. Saavedra was from. Tapatio has a unique flavor all its own, and according to the Saavedra family, the Flavor is exactly the same as it was 45 years ago and will never change.

 

How Hot is Tapatío?

Perhaps you’re aware of the Scoville scale, which determines the spicy heat of peppers on a scale ranging from 100 to 2,200,000 measured in SHU (Scoville heat units). Scoville created his scale after the Paris Hilton “Hot or Not Hot” scale was discovered lacking. Actually no, that’s not true. (Yes it is). (No, it isn’t.) (It is.) (Okay, not true.)

Wilbur Scoville was pharmacist who, in 1912, devised a test called the Scoville Organoleptic Test, from which the aforementioned SHU measurement was derived. To give you an idea, according to Guinness Book of Records, the world’s hottest pepper is the Carolina Reaper, rated between 1,500,000 – 2,200,000 SHU, which is twice as hot as weaponized pepper spray used by law enforcement. (Now you know a way to prepare yourself for your next protest rally. Down two Carolina Reapers and when you get pepper sprayed, it will come as a relief.)

Where does Tapatío rate on the Scoville scale? It’s definitely not in the “won’t kill you but you’ll wish you were dead” range; nor is Tapatío for salsa sadists who delight in serving masochistic munchies, such as super-nova nachos; or for people who simply like food that fights back and wins.

Tapatío is nowhere near as hot as Blair’s Ultra Death (1,000,000 SHU); Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally’s “Chet’s Gone Mad” (1,500,000 SHU); CaJohns’ “Get Bitten Black Mamba 6” and Bumblefoot’s “Bumblef**ked” at 6,000,000 SHU each. Nor is it as hot as Texas Creek’s “Pure Evil 9.6mil Capsaicin Drops” (9,600,000 SHU), and certainly nowhere near as hot as Blair’s “16 Million Reserve,” which is 3,200 times hotter than a jalapeño at 16,000,000 SHU. (For a similar experience, suck on a plasma torch.)

Compared to the aforementioned self-immolating sauces, Tapatío rates at a lowly 3,000 on the Scoville scale, which is 72% of the heat of a jalapeño. However, we give it a ten out of ten on the Hilton Hotness scale for flavor. The cool thing, or should we say, the hot thing about Tapatío is that it is hot, but not oppressively so, and does not trash the taste of your food or force your tongue to keep the fire department on speed dial.

 

Tapatío Furniture

While taste is certainly a subjective thing, we at Condimented.com consider Tapatío to be the best-tasting hot sauce around—and the best priced as well (customer reviews agree with us). What makes Tapatío great is not just what’s in it, but equally importantly, what’s not. There’s no gluten, sugar, MSG, or vinegar, so you get to taste the food you put in on and then the heat sneaks up on you. If you’re a fan of hot and spicy foods, but desire variety as well, Tapatío is the way to go. It works on just about everything, even foods that aren’t meant to be hot.

Tapatío lovers have reported some of their favorites uses, which include eggs, potatoes and potato chips, pizza, cottage cheese, most rice dishes (except Condoleeza Rice), and macaroni and cheese. Tapatio is the lagniappe* for Creole and Cajun food. Of course, Tapatío is the bomb on anything Mexican, but when you’re looking to spice up the ordinary, it also shines on sandwiches, chicken, burgers, fries, barbecue, and soup, (even Ramen). If you like your food with extra flavor and a kick, Tapatío should be your standard food furnishing. (Okay, that was a little lame but we had to tie in to the subhead somehow.)

 

I Can Has Tapatío?

Yes you can, my little LOLCats. Tapatío is available at many supermarkets across the country, or you can order it direct from the manufacturer by the case or in gift baskets. Tell them Condimented sent you.

Lagniappe (pronounced, lan-yap): a Spanish Creole word for bonus or “a little something extra,” as in an extra gift, such as a thirteenth bagel in a dozen.

Written by Burnesto BoShay

Burnesto is the co-founder of Condimented.com. He, like his brother Zeno, divides his time equally between putting condiments on things and eating things with condiments put on them.