In times so tasteless, the only true revolution is flavor.
What’s in a name?
Yes, we call ourselves Condimented.com. Is that because we’re crazy about condiments, or perhaps have been slowly rendered insane by constant exposure to increasing levels of condiments in our food over a period of years? Well, yes and yes, but there’s more to it than that. We’re here to show you the magical properties of condiments . . . the lighter side of condiments . . . the life-affirming properties of condiments . . . and create a safe haven for all those who love condiments, and like Condimented’s friend, Peter Marshall, perceive food as merely something to go underneath condiments.
Magical Properties of Condiments
For our first act of prestidigitation, fix your eyes on our lovely assistant holding a corned beef and Swiss on rye. Boring! Yuck-patooie! And now ladies and gentlemen, we say the magic words, “Thousand Island Dressing,” and right before your eyes, what was once merely salt-cured beef, coagulated cow byproduct, and fermented cabbage precariously stacked inside baked microbe-infested flour dough, is magically transformed into a succulent Reuben sandwich.
Not convinced? Okay. Try this: Take some dry hamburger, plain lettuce, tomato, onion, and cheese, and stuff it all inside a big U-shaped corn chip. Sounds hard to eat and not exceptionally appetizing . . . that is, until you add the magical ingredient—Salsa—then BAM! It’s Taco Tuesday. Take the same ingredients, douse them in barbecue sauce, and we’re all Sloppy Joe’s and Southern hospitality. Add some leftover salsa from Taco Tuesday and you have Sloppy Jose’s. You see, magic. And for the more skeptical among us, take an ordinary bowl of rice, add a generous helping of the condiment of your choice, and before you can say, “Trust me, they’ve got WMDs,” you’ve got a steaming bowl of Condoleezza Rice (it’s an acquired taste).
The Humorous Side of Condiments
There’s nothing funny about condiments you say? Hah! Need we remind you of the classic joke, “Two condiments walk into a bar . . .” See? We don’t even need to finish. You already know the punch line, and it never gets old.
The idea for Condimented came to Zeno BoShay when stuck in traffic on the 405 in Los Angeles. Rather than his usual prayer for a car with laser weapons camouflaged as headlights so that he could vaporize the cars ahead of him and drive through their debris a la Star Wars, a vision appeared before him. It was a jar of his favorite condiment, ensconced in a golden aura of light (it was past his lunchtime after all). Suddenly a wave of peace and goodwill for all men washed over him (Zeno’s goodwill was already tilted towards women). It was then that Zeno BoShay heard a higher calling to dedicate his life to spreading the condiment on all foods, regardless of color or country of origin. Zeno enlisted the aid of his brother, Burnesto, also a firm believer in condiments and fun foods, and Condimented.com was born.
Condimented.com Mission Statement
Our mission is to make sure you’re as condimented as we are, and at the ready for the unforeseen get together, the spontaneous drop-in, the impromptu party, or the unplanned Netflix binge-watch and chill—and not purely for our own financial gain and that of condiment manufacturing companies large and small, without whom our very civilization would crumble. We’re saving lives here, not to mention your reputation as gracious and generous host.
Note: Condimented is the first site of its kind – a site designed to bring you all of the necessary condiments to accent and hopefully dominate your comestible efforts. Our goal is to bring you straight to the manufacturer, however, many of our condiments are not well known, and the manufacturer sometimes doesn’t have a place to purchase on their site. In these cases we take you to specialty sites approved by the manufacturer. The end result? Condimentelation!
Zeno & Burnesto BoShay, Founders of Condimented.com