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Zeno’s Chicken Pasta Frappéd Fantazmal Blenderino

I spent much of my youth in a small non-Italian town in the middle east of this country – meaning the midwest but closer to the east than the west, making it the Mideast, but commonly known as the Midwest. I found that many interesting and very tasty dishes could be thrown together, literally, in the blender. Here’s one of them:

Clean your Osterizer!!!

Gather 2 oz of olive oil  (extra virgin olive oil is best for use as a condiment)

2 oz of white wine

2 roma tomatoes

4 cloves of garlic

1 oz of Tapatio

1/2 a rectangle of Philly cream cheese.

Throw it all in the blender.

Frappé the hell out of it.

Cut 1 pound of fresh chicken breasts into small finger-size pieces – you know, like your little finger. In a large frying pan, put 2-3 oz olive oil, heat on medium to high, and put the chicken pieces in the pan. You can use boneless thighs intermixed, though you may have difficulties finding femurless fowl. Cook them beyond half-way (6-7 minutes moving them around etc. in the pan). When they are 70% cooked and browned, pour the frappéd fantazmal mix (FFM) into the frying pan and let the chicken cook with the FFM for a few minutes. FFM can be an acronym for F**kn Fantazmal Mix too. Go. Be daring.

Cook up a box of your favorite pasta to al dente…

You will have to time this so the chicken and pasta don’t cook to long.

Put the al dente pasta into a bowl and pour the FFM Chicken over the top of it. You can mix it up, or you can serve it sorta separate – it doesn’t matter. It is FFMingly delicious.

Zeno’s Chicken Pasta Frappéd Fantazmal Mix Do-It-Yourself Kit

Tapatio

Salsa Picante Hot Sauce

Safeway

Chicken Tenderloins

Philadelphia

Original Cream Cheese

Iliada

Kalamata Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Burnesto’s Double Pig-Dogs of Death and Delight

AKA: hot dogs with bacon and cheese

This recipe is not just for hot dog lovers, but more so, for those who feel that coddling one’s digestive system encourages weakness, while true health and longevity can only be achieved by cultivating the constitution of a cockroach.

Here’s what you’ll need:

  1. All-beef frankfurters
  2. Real bacon bits (Hormel or Oscar Meyer)
  3. Mozzarella cheese
  4. Hot dog buns
  5. Beaver Brand Sweet Honey Mustard

 

Double Pig-Dog Delight is obviously quite easy to make. After all, we’re talking hot dogs, but not just hot dogs, hot dogs with bacon and cheese, hence the double pig, though technically, it’s actually single-pig, since you’ll be using all-beef hot dogs.

Because we’re talking full-on bachelor food, which means maximum flavor for minimal production time, forget about frying bacon and use either Hormel or Oscar Meyer real bacon bits. On the other pig, if time and effort is not an issue, feel free to fry your own bacon. And if you’re very clever, you can make your own real bacon bits for future use.

The brands of hot dog that work best, are Nathans, Hebrew National, and for authentic New York push cart flavor, Sabrett’s (see our blog post) if you don’t mind purchasing in 10 lb. amounts.

Since we’re going for extra processing on the double-pig dogs, we recommend buying more substantial hot dog buns, such as those by Franz. The store brand may be cheaper, but they are also more flimsy (less bread to keep costs down).

To prepare your double pig-dog delight, you’ll need the aforementioned beef hot dog, real bacon bits, buns, and mozzarella cheese. It’s best to go with shredded mozz, since it makes the preparation process much quicker and easier. However, if you don’t mind chopping cheese, you’re free to go with whatever your preference is. Regarding condiments of choice, you can go with any delicatessen mustard, but our personal favorite has become Beaver Brand Sweet Honey Mustard.

Here’s what to do:

  1. First, fill the buns with mozzarella cheese and put aside.
  2. Broil hot dogs (If you choose to fry bacon, you can do as you broil the dogs. When both are done, drain on paper towels.
  3. Melt cheese and sprinkle bacon bits on it. Do not, repeat, not put bacon bits on cheese if you’re melting it in a microwave. You can, of course melt cheese with bacon bits on if you use the oven, but it’s not necessary.

There are actually two ways to put cheese on the bun. If you have a means of steaming buns, the cheese and bacon goes on top of the hot dog. However, if you don’t, you can use a microwave oven (for health reasons, we tend to avoid nuking food, since it does change it on a molecular level), or. On the other hand, if you have no problem with nuking food, microwave three buns on high for about 1-1/2 minutes, remove from oven and place bacon on top of cheese, then the hot dog and mustard. Basically, you want to melt the cheese. The other way to melt the cheese is to place the buns on the broiler pan when the hot dogs are nearly done. Be careful not to burn them. About 30-45 seconds works well. It’s best to turn off the oven when you heat the buns.

If you have a steamer, put the cheese and bacon on top of the hot dog and melt the cheese and bacon together.

Add mustard, and Bob’s your uncle.

Do-It-Yourself Double Pig-Dog Kit

Nathan's

Skinless Beef Franks

Franz

Enriched Classic Hot Dog Buns

Hormel

Real Bacon Bits

Sargento

Shredded, Low-Moisture Part-Skim Mozzarella

Beaver Brand

Sweet Honey Mustard

Burnesto’s Chinese Velvet Chicken and Corn Soup

Chinese Velvet Chicken and Corn Soup

This dish will get you a lot of ‘whoa dudes’ and it’s relatively easy to make thanks to a couple of off-the shelf ingredients. It just takes a little more time then the usual BF recipe. It also helps to know a couple of secrets about Chinese cooking (literally a couple or two) and the proper way to put cornstarch in soup so that you don’t wind up with starch balls (not the medical condition one might assume).

What you’ll need:

  • 2 cans of chicken broth (College Inn recommended)
  • 2 cans of creamed corn (Any brand will do)
  • Chicken fillets
  • 1/2 can of water chestnuts (whole or sliced)
  • 2 eggs (whites only)

Seasonings:

  • Chinese Five Spice powder
  • Ground pepper
  • Cooking Sherry
  • Garlic Salt (for chicken only)
  • Corn Starch
  • Sesame oil

 

Preparations

Broil chicken fillets seasoned with garlic salt, but be careful not to overcook. Fillets should be cooked through but not browned. Cut fillets into small squares and place in a bowl

Finely chop one half a can of water chestnuts and put aside in a small bowl

Remove yolks from eggs, beat eggs whites with a fork and place in a small bowl

Add two to three heaping tablespoons of cornstarch to a small bowl.

Now what?

Put both cans of broth and creamed corn in a large pot. Add diced fillets, chopped water chestnuts, and season with Five Spice (careful, a little goes a long way), pepper, a couple of capfuls of cooking sherry*, and slowly bring to a boil. Stir occasionally. Since there are no rules for how much seasoning to use, taste as you go and add as you see fit. You should be able to taste the Five Spice, but do not let it overwhelm the flavor of the soup.

You may have noticed that there’s no mention of the sesame oil, eggs, and cornstarch. That’s because you don’t add them until the very end. Here’s how it’s done.

Once the soup has boiled, add water to the cornstarch until you have a smooth mixture. Turn off the heat and very slowly pour the water-cornstarch mixture into the soup as you stir vigorously. This will prevent the cornstarch from coagulating into cornstarch balls. If you want the soup thicker, use more cornstarch.

Once the soup is thickened, you’re going to add the egg whites. Here’s Chinese cooking secret number one: Take your fork, make a whirlpool in the center of the soup, and slowly pour the egg whites directly onto the tines of the fork as you stir vigorously. This will turn the egg whites into the fine white streams.

You’re nearly there.

Ladle the soup into serving bowls . . . but wait you say, what about the sesame oil? That’s Chinese cooking secret number two: Put a few drops of sesame into each serving. It’s the strong fragrance of sesame oil that creates the illusion of flavor. Cooking the sesame oil in the soup kills the fragrance and the flavor. Also, since this recipe makes a lot of soup, put a few drops of sesame oil into the soup you’re putting away.

Eh voila, Chinese Velvet Chicken and Corn Soup. For a special flavor bonus, Italian or French bread with butter dipped into the soup tastes wonderful.

Don’t be afraid to experiment with amounts of chicken, water chestnuts, and seasonings, to customize the corn soup to your specific tastes. As long as you stick with the soup:cream corn balance, you should be fine.

*Some say it’s better to use sherry that you would drink – in that case, use dry sherry

 

Do-It-Yourself Corn Soup Kit

College Inn

Chicken Broth

Del Monte

Sweet Corn Cream Style

Safeway

Chicken Tenderloins — Boneless & Skinless

Dynasty

Whole Water Chestnuts

Sun Luck

Chinese Style Five Spice

Kadoya

Pure Sesame Oil

Holland House

Sherry Cooking Wine

ARGO

100% Pure Corn Starch

Burnesto’s Big Bad Bulbous Bouncing Burritos

There are two ways to make Burnesto’s Burritos. Here is what you’ll need for your do-it-yourself burrito kits. The ingredients are chosen for their combination of affordability and good flavor.

Burrito Kit 1:

  1. Mission large flour tortillas (or your preferred substitute)
  2. Lucerne Mexican 4-Cheese blend
  3. C&W Ultimate Southwest Mix frozen vegetables
  4. Ground beef (for dinner burrito, or substitute scrambled eggs for breakfast burritos)
  5. Safeway Southwest Salsa (substitute Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa)
  6. Safeway Peach-Pineapple Salsa (substitute Newman’s Own Peach or Pineapple Salsa)

 

Burrito Kit 2: (Tex-Mex style)

  1. Mission large flour tortillas (or your preferred substitute)
  2. Lucerne Mexican 4-Cheese blend
  3. Lettuce, tomato, purple onion
  4. Large can of whole black beans
  5. Safeway Southwest Salsa (substitute Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa)
  6. Safeway Peach-Pineapple Salsa (substitute Newman’s Own Peach or Pineapple Salsa)

 

Preparation: DIY Burrito Kit 1

If you don’t have a means of steaming the tortillas, take two microwave-safe plates, put one on each, wet your hand and swipe across each burrito to moisten. Put aside.

Brown approximately 1/4 lb. of ground beef, seasoned with garlic salt. While you’re browning the ground beef, heat approximate one-half a bag of C&W Southwest Vegetable Mix in a pot or microwave. Once the vegetable mix is thawed, add southwest salsa and continue to heat. Once hot, add some 4-blend cheese until mixture is thick. (Don’t put the cheese away). Place the vegetable/cheese mix in a bowl. Drain the ground beef on paper towels until dry, and add to vegetables and cheese. You’ll notice that the mixture dries up a bit. This is good. You’re almost there.

Have a surface ready where you can roll the burritos with bowl of vegetable mix, cheese, and pineapple-peach salsa within easy access. A large spoon will come in handy.

Place one burrito into the microwave for 30 seconds, with the second one ready to follow. Once heated, the burrito will be moist and ready to roll. Leave it on the plate.

Put two or three tablespoons of pineapple-peach salsa in a line across the center of bottom third of the burrito. Place approximately half of the vegetable-mix-cheese mix on top, and some cheese on top of that. Roll burrito and Bob’s your uncle. Makes two Big Bad Bulbous Bouncy Burritos a la Burnesto.

Preparation: DIY Burrito Kit 2:

Follow the same instructions for tortillas as Burnesto’s Burrito Kit 1, but for this one, you’ll need a large can of whole black beans. You’ll be using approximately half the can.

Chop lettuce, tomatoes, and onions into smallish squares.

Drain the black beans and heat approximately half the can in a pot. Add Southwest Salsa and Four Blend Mexican Cheese when beans are hot. Stir until you have a coagulated mass of beans and cheese (It tastes better than that sounds). Since the black beans are high in protein, they make an excellent vegetarian dinner, but you can add ground beef should you desire.

When the black bean-salsa-cheese mix is heated, place in a bowl. Also, place lettuce, tomato, and onions into small separate bowls, with salsa at the ready.

Heat the tortilla in the microwave for 30 seconds, spoon a line peach-pineapple salsa across the bottom third of the tortilla, put half the bean-cheese mix on top, and lettuce, tomato, and onion on top of the beans (amounts to taste). Add another layer of southwest salsa for flavor, and top off with some four blend cheese. Fold burrito, and once again, Bob’s your uncle.

When you get the rhythm of this down, you can be heating the second tortilla while you’re making the first burrito.

Do-It-Yourself Bulbous Burrito Kit

Mission

Flour Tortillas — Large Burrito

C&W

The Ultimate Southwest Blend

Lucerne

Mexican Four Cheese Blend

Safeway Select

Southwest Salsa

Safeway Select

Peach-Pineapple Salsa

Ortega

Whole Black Beans

How to Fold A Burrito The Way The Pros Do It

What Goes Good On Scorpion?

Nothing. Nothing at all. They’re scorpions. You don’t have to eat them. Don’t. Just don’t. I mean look at them . . . does that look appetizing to you? No, of course not. There are some things in the world that you do not have to eat, like cat box crunchies [cat poop covered with kitty litter – a delicacy for some dogs – (this is why we don’t French-kiss Borzoi)], fried duck embryos, pickled dung beetle, boiled rat balls, or, you know, scorpions.

You know the story about the scorpion and the frog, right? Didn’t go very well for the frog, did it? Now you want to eat one? There are other ways to prove your manliness or womanliness, whatever the case may be. Besides, how much nutritional value can there possibly be in a scorpion? The things are poisonous for crying out loud. And that hard candy shell is not candy. Just how much protein do think you’re going to get that you can’t get from eggs, which are already gross enough. And you still have to bite through scorpion shell to get it. Eww. Seriously, eww.

Think of all the foods on the planet. Where do you think scorpion shows up on the yummy scale? Who says, “Mmm, I gots to get me some scorpion . . . I loves me some scorpion!” Or, “Okay, ‘gonna watch the big game on TV with my mates. I can order pizza, or, we could have, oh, I don’t know . . . got it! Scorpion! Okay, pizza or scorpion. Hmm, tough call . . .”

Show us a LOLCat that says, “I can has scorpion.” You can’t. There aren’t any, and don’t make one up just to prove us wrong (we’re on to you, little mister). Cats, LOL or otherwise, don’t want to has scorpion. Nobody wants to has scorpion. Can’t even look at them without freaking out, can you? Go on, look again. We’ll wait . . . . Eww, right?

 

Even Scorpius Won't Eat Scorpion . . .

 

So no, we do not, nor shall we ever stock or recommend any condiments for scorpions. Eat a five-year old radioactive Twinkie, better . . . or the popcorn that fell behind the sofa cushion the last time you had movie night (you know you’ve done it). Even the stale, holiday fruitcake you got from your Meemaw last year is way better than scorpion. Trust us; it’s okay to sleep on the scorpions (not literally of course, remember the poisonous bit).

And for the one “gourmand” (which is French for, “dude living in his mom’s basement”) who has the unmitigated snark to write in to tell us that scorpions are a marvelous Chinese delicacy for those of refined tastes, we have this to say: You eat scorpions for Christ’s sake. Nobody cares what you think. N-O-B-O-D-Y. Seek professional help. And they call us con-dimented . . . sheesh.

There, condiments for scorpions, settled.

 

Written by Burnesto BoShay

Burnesto Boshay is the brother of Zeno, founder of Condimented.com. He divides his time equally between putting condiments on things and eating things with condiments put on them.